Margaret’s Story
By: Tracy Theemes, Certified Financial Planner & Financial Advisor in Vancouver
Margaret came to us in tears. Her husband of thirty years had told her that not only was he leaving her but that he already had an apartment rented. He was gone in under a week. A lifetime of expectations, understandings and commitments were shattered.
A friend of hers suggested that she come to Sophia Financial to “find out her rights”. She had heard that we were a financial firm that “cared about people, not just the money”.
When she came for her first appointment, the first thing we did was listen to the story of her marriage and got an understanding of her world. Money occurs in context and we believe people need to “make money work for them” and not the other way around. It is important then, to understand how each person views their circumstances-what their values, needs and fears are. Finances then can be organized around these key factors.
As she was telling her story, two things came to mind. The first was that she needed legal advice and the second thing was that her grief was so raw and her feelings so intense that we felt she would benefit from some counselling. We gave her the name of a couple of collaborative lawyers who we thought would be a good fit for her and made a referral to a counsellor that specializes in grief and divorce.
We also gave her homework. She was to gather up all of her financial data. In her case, we needed to see investment statements, her husband’s pension documents and banking statements.
Four weeks later, she returned. She had the documents, budget and she had itemized what they owned and what they owed to her best knowledge. This allowed us to do a net worth and cash flow summary. About 80% of the people who come to see us actually do not know what their net worth and this is critical in determining options.
We then discussed her financial needs and wants and began the process of trying to nail down some “first numbers”. How much would she need to stay in her house? How should she handle her retirement? What investments should she keep? How will her taxes be affected by a division of capital assets? How can we ensure that she will “not be a bag lady”? This clarification process is fundamental to making informed, empowered decisions.
For some women, this could be the first time they actually looked at their investment portfolios or even thought about what the implications were of owning recreational property or having debt. From this overall assessment goals and needs were lined up with her financial resources. The first draft of a personal financial plan was created.
Then we really went to work. Various options and combinations were assessed to best maximize her resources. We presented the best options and then together with us, Margaret decided what plan sounded best to her. Then we allowed some time for her to digest.
It was not until a couple of weeks later that Margaret came back in and we actually put decisions into motion.
We still see Margaret regularly to review her finances and to talk about how her life is unfolding. And even though it has been a very difficult time for her, Margaret recently wrote us a note saying that “I have renewed hope to move on and build a new life – something that I realize now that I desperately needed.”
Estate Planning and Collaborative Family Law
Catherine Brink, Collaborative Family Lawyer
Recently there have been some major legislative changes to estates practice in British Columbia. The Wills, Estates and Succession Act, S.B.C. 2009, c. 13(“WESA”) came into force on March 31, 2014. So what does this mean for separating families?
There are too many changes to mention them all here, but as a Collaborative family lawyer and an estate planner, I, Catherine Brink, wanted to touch on one of the major changes that effects separating couples. The new law – WESA – says that once parties have separated, they are no longer considered “spouses” for estate planning purposes and they will no longer benefit from gifts given under the will of their former spouse.
So say George and Amal had each previously signed a will that gave their respective estates to the other upon their death, and to their young children in the alternative if the other was not then alive. Down the road, George and Amal decide that their marriage is not working and they are separating. Once they have decided to separate (even though there is no divorce order and no separation agreement), the gift to the other in their respective wills is revoked. This means that if George dies shortly after separation, his estate goes to the children managed by an appointed trustee and not to Amal. This may (or may not) be what the couple wants to happen.
That said, the surviving spouse still has a claim under the Family Law Act to family property owned by the other, but the gift in the will is no longer valid. This is a major change from before. Previously, the separated former spouse would still have a claim against the estate as a “spouse” until a divorce order was made (for married spouses at least).
WESA does not change what happens to assets that fall outside of your estate – like property subject to a beneficiary designation (such as RRSP, TFSA and insurance designations), or to real property in joint tenancy. Each situation is different, and it is important to figure out what the effect of separation has on your estate plan. It is also important to make sure that you are protected if something happens to your ex-spouse – especially if there are support claims. In that case you want to make sure there are insurance or other designations in place right from the start.
There is always a lot to think about when separating – and it can all seem overwhelming at times. You want to do what is best for your children; you want to make sure that if something happens to you or your spouse, your family is taken care of. The best thing to do is ask your Collaborative divorce lawyer if your situation is one in which you should think about your estate plan early on in the separation process. If your Collaborative lawyer does not practice in this area, he or she can refer you to someone who does. Sometimes it just takes a few important changes to make sure your family is protected.
Collaborative Divorce Vancouver is a team of professional family lawyers, divorce coaches, child specialists, and financial experts who will be happy to speak with you and answer your questions. Contact one of us today!
Recommended Self-Help Books for Coping with 10 of Life’s Challenges
By: Deborah Brakeley, Registered Clinical Counsellor in Vancouver
I have a general Counselling Practice and I also specialize in separation and divorce. I have put together a list of books that I have read and/or referred to in my Collaborative Practice, as well as in my Counselling Practice. I have found these books helpful as have some of my clients who I loan them to.
My list of recommended books fall into the following categories: Relationships; Communication; Conflict Resolution; Separation & Divorce; Collaborative Practice; Parenting; Co-Parenting; Dying, Grief & Loss; Mindfulness; Transitions.
Please note: In some cases, I just wanted to provide the names of the key authors who have contributed to their respective fields and who have more recent publications than are not necessarily listed here.
RELATIONSHIP BOOKS
The Wisdom of Forgiveness (The Dalai Lama & Victor Chan)
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner has Been Unfaithful (Janis A. Spring)
Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage (John M. Gottman)
Journey of the Heart: Path of Conscious Love (John Welwood)
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart (John Welwood)
Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Harville Hendrix)
COMMUNICATION BOOKS
Difficult Conversations: How to Discus What Matters the Most (Stone, Patton & Heen)
Taking the War out of Our Words (Sharon Ellison)
Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Compassion (Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.)
CONFLICT RESOLUTION BOOKS
Peaceful Colors: Prevent and Resolve Everyday Conflict (Gail Shapiro)
That’s Not What I Meant! (Deborah Tannen)
I Thought We’d Never Speak Again (Laura Davis)
The Joy of Conflict Resolution (Gary Harper)
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High (Patterson, Grenny, & Switzer)
Narrative Mediation: A New Approach to Conflict Resolution (John Winslade & Gerald Monk)
SEPARATION & DIVORCE BOOKS
The Financial Guide to Divorce Settlement (Carol Ann Wilson)
Divorce Without Disaster (Janet Blumley)
Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out (Claire Berman)
COLLABORATIVE PRACTICE BOOKS
Collaborative Practice: Deepening the Dialogue (Nancy Cameron)
Collaborative Law: Achieving Effective Resolution in Divorce without Litigation (Pauline Tessler)
The Collaborative Way to Divorce: Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids – Without Going to Court (Ron Ousky, Stuart Webb)
Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life (Pauline Tesler, Peggy Thompson)
PARENTING BOOKS
Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child (John Gottman)
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish)
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk (Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish)
P.E.T. Parenting Effectiveness Training (Dr. Thomas Gordon)
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive (Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.)
CO-PARENTING BOOKS
Helping Children Survive Divorce: What to Expect; How to Help (Archibald Hart)
Families Apart: Ten Keys to Successful Co-Parenting (Melinda Blau)
The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce (Elizabeth Thayer)
Co-Parenting After Divorce: How to Raise Happy, Healthy Children in Two-Home Families (Diana Shulman)
Joint Custody and Co-Parenting: Sharing Your Child Equally (Miriam Galper Cohen)
Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce (Elizabeth Marquardt)
The Co-Parents’ Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted, Resilient, and Resourceful Kids in a Two-Home Family From Little Ones to Young Adults (Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little)
DYING, GRIEF & LOSS BOOKS
Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Pat Through Divorce (Gabriel Cohen)
Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing (Ken Wilbur)
Living with Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve (Kenneth Doka)
Transcending Loss (Ashley Davis Prend)
What Survives? Contemporary Explorations of Life After Death (Gary Doore)
MINDFULNESS BOOKS
The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-being (Dan Siegel)
Mindsight: The New Science of Transformation (Dan Siegel)
Train Your Mind Change Your Brain (Sharon Begley)
Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness (Jon Kabat-Zinn)
Guided Mindfulness Meditation (Audio CD- Jon Kabat-Zinn)
The Compassionate Brain: How Empathy Creates Intelligence (Gerald Huther)
A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook (Bob Stahl)
Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life (Thich Nhat Hanh)
Children Who Resist Post-Separation Parental Contact (Barbara J. Fiddler, Nicholas Bala, Michael A. Saini)
TRANSITION BOOKS
New Passages: Mapping Your Life Across Time (Gail Sheehy)
Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life (Gail Sheehy)
The Silent Passage: Revised and Updated Edition (Gail Sheehy)
The Season’s of a Man’s Life (Daniel Levinson)
Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes (William Bridges)
Reach out to the team members of Collaborative Divorce Vancouver. We can help you deal with all of the areas in your life that are affected by separation and divorce. Learn more about Collaborative Divorce and contact one of our team members today!
Love and Money
By: Tracy Theemes, Certified Financial Planner & Financial Advisor in Vancouver
“Love. It will mess us up every time.” This familiar lament was vocalized by a woman in my office last week as she told me about a lifetime of putting her head in the sand and letting other people, including her husband make financial decisions for her.
I am a financial advisor with a background in psychology. We run a full service financial advisory firm in Point Grey.
I always ask why. Why didn’t you pay attention? Why didn’t you talk about money together? Why don’t you confront this situation?
It may because of socio-cultural norms, the ingrained way many women expect a mate or someone else to provide for them, even in this day and age. Or it could be because of the chemical makeup of the female brain versus that of the male brain. A result of being, literally, wired differently.
I have a female pro bono client, aged 68, who gave her son $300,000 to buy a property, which left her with $72,000 for her retirement. She had no loan agreement and had not established a payback plan. Her son, who approached her because the bank would not lend him money, (first hint of trouble) cannot pay her back. He is broke. So now she is too.
How many women have given up their careers to raise their family, only to have their marriages break down, and are left with few prospects for earning their living after a fifteen year absence from the work force? How many women are scared to ask for a copy of their husband’s tax return or pension statements? Or even worse, how many of us become small so someone else can be big? Like the vice president of a national bank who has her husband manage their money “so he won’t feel threatened”. Or the business owner who after thirty years of running it by herself, gave him half of the value of her company on their wedding day. True stories. I have hundreds of them.
So, why do women so often sacrifice their own financial well-being and independence in their relationships?
In both of her books, The Female Brain and The Male Brain, Louann Brizendine explores the nuances between men and women, and helps to explain how our brains – and notably, hormones – cause us to value different things, at different stages of life. The result of these different valuations affects everything – from career decisions to who we form relationships with.
Essentially, Brizendine asserts that the brain is deeply affected by different hormones that shape our values and desires. She states that girls have a heightened ability to observe and feel emotional cues from birth, based on studies of babies in a maternity ward. Because girls are born with the ability to hear emotional tones in voices and the ability to read facial expressions, they are built for connection, literally born to form relationships.
Recognizing the biological differences between men and women helps increase our awareness. Once aware of what is triggering an impulse, we can then choose to act, or not to act, on it. “Choice” being the operative word here.
I believe there are three courses of action for those who find themselves experiencing the consequences of putting personal relationships ahead of their well-being: change the circumstances, negotiate a better situation, or leave the relationship that is keeping you down.
We need to interrupt the patterns that don’t serve us. So where an imbalance is created by one partner working and the other staying at home, the partner at home might need to start working or maybe even charging for their labour. And perhaps, the other needs to contribute more in the way of traditional household tasks. First, acknowledge the imbalance, next interrupt the pattern. But don’t expect it to happen easily or without some storms.
It’s not in your best interest to not show up for your life. Eventually, this will catch up with you, whether in the form of unhappiness, low self-esteem, or even, depression. Not to mention financial dependence and insecurity. No one can save you from you.
Love and money. They both matter. And when they come together in our relationships lots of trouble – and opportunities for growth – can be stirred up. But instead of passive acceptance that things are this way, we can begin to bravely address our own patterns. Relationships matter. Money is the currency of survival. They both need our full attention.
Reach out to the team members of Collaborative Divorce Vancouver. We can help you deal with all of the areas in your life that are affected by separation and divorce. Learn more about Collaborative Divorce and contact one of our team members today!
Can I afford to buy a home? Can I afford not too?
By: Jennifer Weeks, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst & CFP
When I ask clients ‘What is the best investment you have ever made?’, home owners always answer, ‘my home’. Depending on where and when you bought into the housing market, real estate in Vancouver has doubled, tripled and even quadrupled over the last 12 years.
Real estate is more than just an investment – it is a home for our family. As the old adage says ‘home is where the heart is’. It holds memories, creates a place for families to gather, a place of comfort, familiarity and community. All this brings security and stability to our world. During divorce this loss weighs heavy on families.
Family law equalizes assets and cash flow between separating couples. Half the house, half the cash flow. During the divorce process, the most pressing questions for many are “Can I afford to buy a home?” and “Can I keep the family home?”
Most families cannot afford to own two homes in Vancouver following a divorce. To buy out your spouse’s portion of the house is an expensive proposition. With the average home in Metro Vancouver valued at approximately $900,000, that would be $450,000 or additional monthly mortgage payments of over $2000.
So what are the options when half of the proceeds are not enough to buy an alternative home and the cost of moving is very expensive? There is no easy answer, but here are some important considerations:
Do you and your spouse both agree that keeping the family home is important to your children’s well being?
What are you willing to give up to provide your children with a home in your community and are you aware of the consequences?
Have you considered all the costs of home ownership?
Increasing costs of property tax.
Maintenance costs of owning a home. At least $500 per month should be budgeted to maintain the home.
Insurance costs protect homeowners from unforeseeable damages.
Interest rate risk – implications of increase in monthly payments if the mortgage interest rates increase.
The housing market:
It may seem like real estate in Vancouver only goes up, but like any asset class, real estate is also cyclical and the market will fluctuate throughout our lifetime.
Long term consequences
Are you giving up your own personal financial security to keep the home?
Is all your income going towards paying your mortgage and the expenses of your home.
Are you having to spend the equity in your home to pay your monthly expenses?
Are you able to save for retirement, emergencies and your children’s education?
Your circumstances will change over time and there are many other living options to consider like:
Moving to a more affordable neighbourhood
Purchasing a smaller home
Renting
Buying a new home with rental revenue to supplement the costs
Through Collaborative Divorce you may be able to find more creative solutions based on what is best for your family. Working with divorce financial specialists, divorce coaches, and family lawyers you can identify what is realistic, fair, and will work for your family.
Learn more about Collaborative Divorce and contact one of our team members today!
What Do Divorce Lawyers Do In Their Own Divorces?
By: Lisa Alexander, Collaborative Law & CFP
The statistics have been steady for years and years – less than 10% of filed cases make it to trial. That means that even if you start your divorce in the litigation system, the likelihood of actually going to trial is very slim. But when does settlement occur?
After legal fees have been spent and everyone is emotionally depleted, relationships are in tatters, and the parenting relationship feels irreparable?
The line that caught me in the article was this: “…insiders realize they will not get to vent and speak their minds in court… They know their emotions, feelings, and pain do not count in a courtroom”.
I wish people knew the deep truth in these statements. The litigation system is not designed to hear and process people’s stories. It does not create space for people’s hopes or adequately address their worries. There is no place for emotions in the courtroom. The litigation system can’t acknowledge the pain and hurt that is so prevalent in the breakdown of relationships.
We always start the first collaborative four-way meeting by finding out what matters to the parties. What do they want their life to look like in five years? What is worrying them right now? What needs to be talked about in order for them to be able to fully and peacefully resolve all of the issues that they are currently facing?
The entire collaborative process is designed to work through the realities of divorce – emotional, practical and legal. It’s not about number crunching or proving narrow legal points. Clients participating in the Collaborative process definitely get to vent (we try to aim that venting in a positive and not destructive place!) and speak their minds. Real resolution depends on getting to the heart of the conflict.
Divorce coaches, family lawyers and financial specialists all work together to help clients move through the separation process – all of it – not just the money part.
Learn more about Divorcing Collaboratively and reach out to a professional of Collaborative Divorce Vancouver for more information today!
Family Law – Litigation or Collaborative Practice?
By: Robert H. Croezen, MSW, RSW, Therapist, Collaborative Practitioner
(Note to Reader: I am sharing my Professional Opinion after 30 years of Professional Practice as a Mental Health professional. These views are my own. They may or may not be shared by the Professional Colleagues with whom I work.)
I have worked as a Mental Health Professional for over 30 years. For the past 18 years, I have worked primarily in the Field of Separation and Divorce. I conducted Custody Evaluations for 18 years and Supervised Custody Evaluators for 13 years in Ontario with the Office of the Children’s Lawyer.
I moved to BC in 2013 and have been involved in Collaborative Practice since November 2013. In short, I practiced for 18 years in cases where there was active Family Law Litigation. Since moving to North Vancouver in 2013, I have been focusing my practice in Collaborative Practice as a Divorce Coach/Child Therapist. Since June 2014, I have been working as an Associate of Alyson Jones & Associates as a Parent Therapist/Coach; Child Therapist; Therapist within the “Family Forward Reunification Program and Collaborative Practice.”
Despite being “Semi-Retired”, I continue to be dedicated to working with Separating Parents who find themselves in a High Conflict Separation/Divorce. I have come to that stage in my career where I have concluded that there are very few “truths” when we examine cases involving High Conflict. And so I will share my clinical observations for the rest of this blog post.
I have practiced long enough to recognize a few things:
1) What we believed 5 years ago, has changed dramatically! And 5 years from now, those of us who continue to be involved in this field of work will be surprised by what we believed to be true in 2015.
2) The more we know through research/clinical practice, the less confident I become that we will ever find “The Truth”. Our knowledge and our culture continues to change/evolve. We need to be OK with that.
3) Clinical programs that complete “self evaluations”, for the most part, create biased questionnaires, which often inflates actual success rates for marketing purposes.
4) Family Law Litigation destroys families and parent-child relationships, making the development of child-focused, effective parenting plans virtually impossible.
5) While the Family Law in BC holds the “Best Interests of the Child as Paramount”, Family Law Litigants who go to trial get caught up in “winning or losing”! The children get lost and caught in the “Crossfire”. It is very expensive, but more importantly, it costs children who may never recover.
Here are some common statements that I have heard from clients over the past 18 years: (Many of them have become “Common Myths”.)
1) High conflict cases can only be resolved through Family Law Litigation – MYTH
2) High conflict cases are not suitable for Collaborative Family Law Practice – MYTH
3) Collaborative Practice is more expensive than Family Law Litigation due to the number of Professionals who provide this service – MYTH
There are a handful of truths that I have come to truly believe, which include:
1) Children’s mental health and well-being is directly related to parental conflict.
2) Children do better in the long term by having positive parenting relationships with both parents.
3) Family Law Litigation destroys families, parent-child relationships, and children’s health/well-being.
4) Collaborative Practice offers an effective alternative to Family Litigation.
Collaborative Family Law Practice
Imagine a group of lawyers, mental health professionals, and financial specialists joining together with one Key Purpose – To assist parents to:
1) Develop “Child-Focused Parenting Plans”
2) Assist parents resolve easy to complex financial issues in a cost effective manner
3) Develop protocols for minimizing conflict and maximizing child-focused remedies
4) Allow parents to remain in charge of how they will parent their children.
Collaborative Family Law Practice is not the only method for resolving issues related to separation and divorce. However, I think it’s one of the most effective approaches we have today.
For further information, feel free to contact one of the Collaborative Practitioners on the Collaborative Divorce Vancouver team.
Negotiating without your partner in the room: why clapping with two hands is more effective
By: Tanya Chamberlain, Lawyer
You and your partner have decided to end your relationship. You both agree you want to negotiate an agreement in non-adversarial process: neither of you wants to go to court.
You have heard many stories from friends of what litigation can do to a couple, their finances and their kids. You are both clear that is not for you. You both want an effective agreement that is fair and is future focused.
After meeting with a collaborative lawyer you are excited to share collaborative divorce process with your spouse. You share the literature and the website. You give your partner the names of some collaborative lawyers and encourage him to contact them.
Your partner agrees that going to court is not a good idea, but sitting in a room with lawyers, divorce coaches and his ex is really not something he feels comfortable with either – couldn’t her lawyer just draft something and he will have his lawyer look it over?
And so begins the process of drafting an agreement between two people in the absence of one. What is lost during this solo drafting process is the brainstorming, idea generating, and identification of issues and interests. There is no discussion, no true negotiation.
When your partner takes the draft agreement prepared by your lawyer to his, decisions regarding assets, children and other important matters may be hard for him to understand or accept because he was not present for the drafting.
Without the context of negotiation where values and interests are discussed explicitly face to face, the agreement may seem inadequate or too generous. It is not a reflection of a genuine process of negotiation.
In negotiation, where both parties are not present, the agreements reached cannot be as creative, responsive and flexible as if they had been negotiated with both parties and their collaborative lawyers. We know that when couples draft their own agreements with the assistance of collaborative professionals, it is far more likely the agreements will be adhered to and they will act as a road map going forward to meet any changes that arise so that families will always control their own lives and never have to go to court.
Convinced that Collaborative Divorce is the best choice for you and your partner or do you have more questions about the process? Contact one of the professionals on the Collaborative Divorce Vancouver team today!
People Aren’t How You Think They Are!
By: Darius Pazirandeh, Mediator and Lawyer
If you have been looking at this website thinking “This Collaborative practice sounds great for some people, but you don’t know [insert the name of the person with whom you could NEVER collaborate]!”, this article is aimed at you. My intent is for you to consider that this person isn’t how you think they are.
We tend to see the people in our lives through a filter of what we already believe about them. We then act in a way that is consistent with that belief. The other person does the same thing. We then end up in a “vicious circle” where we keep doing the same things and getting the same results, and wonder why.
For example, consider a couple where one spouse has been working as the breadwinner, and the other spouse has been working as a homemaker and taking care of the children. Both spouses have concluded that the other spouse doesn’t appreciate their contribution to the family, and longstanding resentment has led to a breakdown in communication. Each speaks to the other in an accusatory manner, leading the other to respond with defensive accusations, further ingraining the conclusion that they are not appreciated. They are now planning to divorce, but both fear the other will take advantage of them in the divorce.
In traditional litigation much of what the lawyers would do is to argue for their clients – explaining the client’s point of view, justifying the client’s conduct, and invalidating the other party’s point of view and condemning the other party’s conduct. The lawyers may come to an agreement about potential resolution of issues of property division, support, and parenting, and suggest this to their clients. The clients may follow through on this resolution. If not, a judge may make a decision, often with significant cost to the party trying to enforce it. Whether the litigants ever understand the other’s need for acknowledgment or how they contributed to the conflict is not part of this process.
In a collaborative process, both lawyers will meet with both spouses. Perhaps the spouses in my example will both express their need for acknowledgment of their respective contributions to the family. Once the spouses are able to acknowledge each other for their respective contributions, trust and communication start to re-establish, and they are able to begin negotiating their divorce in a respectful manner. In other words, the spouses go from what they thought they knew – that the other spouse was ungrateful – and acting based on that, to giving up what they thought they “knew”, starting to see the possibility of a resolution.
Litigation is a zero-sum process – it is a system which generally produces a winner and a loser. Even when there is a settlement or a compromise, there is still a hidden cost beyond the money, time, and stress of the litigation. It’s the cost of our relationships with ourselves and our community. It’s the cost of becoming entrenched in a worldview that may not be serving us. It contributes to the illusion that our version of events is true. It hides that much of what we experience of another person is a function of our own beliefs and our own actions towards that other person.
Collaborative law, at its core, transforms the win-lose model in favor of a win-win model. Collaborative lawyers, coaches, and financial experts bring spouses together to discuss their conflict and develop creative solutions that really matter to them. We assist them in understanding each other, and they gain the skills to communicate effectively and avoid or resolve future conflict. Each party emerges from the conflict with an outcome they never thought would be possible based on what they thought they knew before beginning the process.
Do you want to learn more about Collaborative Law and how it can be the best route for your situation? Contact one of the divorce professionals on the Collaborative Divorce Vancouver team now!
The Reality of Divorce – An Opportunity for Growth
By: Kirstin Menzies, Family Lawyer
Although Statistics Canada has not been collecting Canada’s annual marriage and divorce rates since 2008, it seems fairly widely accepted that over 40% of Canadian marriages are expected to end in divorce before the couple reach their 50th wedding anniversary.
Such statistics do not account for further separations experienced by unmarried spouses (common-law couples); this makes separation and divorce a normative life event for many Canadians.
Collaborative Divorce provides an innovative option for divorcing or separating spouses to maintain control over the process and have a real role in directing and influencing their divorce ‘story’. It need not be a negative experience like the ones typically shown in movies or television (almost always court based divorce processes). Of course, in any divorce, there is a grieving process and most individuals will experience some degree of emotional turmoil. However, when it comes down to deciding how children will be taken care of and determining how assets and debts will be divided, the Collaborative process can provide the means to accomplish this, while allowing both spouses to experience growth and a positive way forward.
Where children are involved, there is the need for an ongoing relationship between former spouses, as co-parents. With a team of specially trained professionals to provide assistance through the Collaborative process, there is an opportunity for this relationship to improve. Divorce Coaches will assist with communication and development of valuable skills and help navigate the newly evolving parenting relationship – skills you didn’t necessarily have or feel were required when you were married.
In this work, we often ask divorcing families, ‘what do you want your children’s story of their parents’ divorce to be?’ The professionals on the Collaborative Divorce Vancouver team are here to provide their experience in similar situations to help you create as positive a story as possible, in the circumstances. This is certainly a piece of good news in the midst of a difficult time.
Contact me or another team member of Collaborative Divorce Vancouver to discuss the process further.