Still Considering the Collaborative Approach to Divorce?
By: Renée le Nobel, CPA, CA, Creating Financial Clarity for Individuals and Families
You and your ex have decided to consider the collaborative approach to divorce. This is commendable, as it is a gigantic hurdle to get to this point of agreement with someone you are in conflict with.
Most people I know like the idea of a collaborative approach and when I suggest it as the best approach to divorce, they look at me and say: “well, I can see how it might work with you and your ex…but my ex is not reasonable like your ex and it just won’t work for us.” My ex and I despised each other and did not want to work together, yet we both recognized that conflict was destroying our souls and the lives of our children. If you think it won’t work, suggest it to your ex. You may be surprised how relieved your ex will feel to know that you are willing to give it a try.
So you’ve decided you are going to Collaborate. Now what?
The next step is to identify the issue that you are going to collaborate on – and try to make the issue as neutral as possible (which can be fairly hard to do with a divorce). In divorce, there seems to be two rather large issues that are fairly identifiable: split the money and split the kids. These are such big issues, that in the Collaborative Process, you each get a family lawyer to help you figure out how to split the money. You also get a divorce coach to figure out how to split the kids.
Again, try to make the issues neutral and not position-based. Start telling yourself that you need to communicate with your ex about finances and parenting. You’ll notice that neither of these statements includes a position about finances or parenting (for example: “I want everything, 100% of the house and 100% of the kids”).
So, you have now gotten to the second step. You are going to collaborate to come up with an agreement about parenting and finances.
Setting the Collaborative Stage
After deciding to collaborate and identifying the issues to collaborate on, it is time to set the time and place to do this. Choose the time and place that works for both of you. A time and place where there will be minimal stressors (as much as possible). It is important to have the support of your divorce coach and lawyer, as they are trained in the Collaborative Process and will keep you on track.
When you feel anger surfacing and when you start to think about your position, it is time to take a break from the discussion. I hated taking breaks because it seemed like we were wasting time and money. I now understand that it cost me time and money by not taking breaks. Forcing myself through the anger that I was experiencing kept me in a position-based stance and I lost focus and fell off the collaborative path.
Taking a break and letting your mind go quiet allows you to remind yourself that you are in the process to generate an outcome that you may not yet have thought of. Readiness allows you to begin the exciting part of the Collaborative Process, the Exploration Stage.
The Exploration Stage
You have agreed to collaborate with your ex and you have established the time and place. It is now time to start exploring and listening to your ex about what is underlying his/her beliefs and interests.
This is the hard part and can take quite a while.
Because did I just say you have to listen to your ex?
Yes I did. I think this is where we lost the picture. I was so intent on getting my ex to listen to me and vice-versa, that we never heard each other. I hated listening to my ex. I kept thinking “I’ve been listening to your values, beliefs, and ideas for the past 20 years and I know exactly what you are going to say.” Further to this I thought: “I can’t believe I’m paying $200 per hour to listen to my ex spout off on his crazy ideas again.” And then I would talk louder and try to tune him out.
And this is what my ex was doing.
And you know what I discovered? I never felt heard.
So then one of the psychologists that we hired a year later when we were still fighting pointed out that each of us simply wanted to be heard.
This psychologist looked at my ex and asked him what he thought I was thinking. My ex still had no idea. So the psychologist listened to what I was saying and repeated it back to my to ex and then he got my ex to repeat it back to me.
It was weird, but all of a sudden, I felt good, almost happy. I should say, that I had not felt this way after talking to my ex in a very long time.
Then we did the exercise in reverse. My ex started to go on about his ideas and thoughts and I just sat there and listened quietly. Then the psychologist said it again and asked me to repeat what I’d heard back to my ex. I did.
We did this for 3 hours.
And then we left and nothing had been finalized or resolved.
Yet, I finally felt heard and that felt good. At this point, I was open to discussing options with my ex and I know this is how my ex felt because we have been discussing them this past week since our last counselling session. The exploration stage had opened up possibilities and things we had not thought of. It also clearly defined the boundaries in which we would operate.
The Final Step – Implementation
Creating plans and finalising agreements is the final step of the process. We had done the third step – exploring what was behind our position-based statements to find out what was truly important to both of us. This gave us an idea as to what options would be possible going forward.
We have been brainstorming some options and surprisingly we don’t have to discuss them too long before they get implemented. This is because we have each finally listened to each other and we know what will work and what won’t.
That is it. It seems so straightforward when I write it down in a blog post. Don’t let that deceive you. It is very hard to collaborate. Emotions and misunderstanding still get in the way. That said, I hope this gives you an idea of how to start and a reminder of when things go off the rails of how to get back on track.
Does Collaborative Divorce sound like the route that you and your spouse want to take? Contact one of the professionals on the Collaborative Divorce Vancouver team and get more information today!
You’ve accepted that divorce is the only choice – now what?
By: Shelina Sayani, Collaborative Family Law
If you have made and accepted that divorce is your only choice, I’m sure this has been one of the most painful, difficult and heart wrenching decisions that you have ever had to make.
Maybe you tried counselling, marriage therapy, self-help or sought help through friends and family and you now have to figure out how you want to deal with your divorce or separation. Perhaps you have delayed this decision because you wanted to wait until the children were older, or because you were afraid of being alone, or because you did not want to hurt your partner or children, or because you were unable to put your needs first. Whatever the reason, you do not have to go through the next stages alone or without a team of professionals to help, guide and support you through the roller coaster ride that may be in store for you next.
While it may seem over whelming and terrifying- it doesn’t have to be. You get to choose the best way for you, your children and your spouse. While there may be fear, anger, joy, hope – sometimes all in the same hour-these are valid feelings that we can work through within a collaborative divorce process while dealing with all the issues with compassion, respect and dignity.
Collaborative divorce gives you the choice and access to resources to help build you a team of professionals, including child specialists, divorce coaches, financial planners and specially trained family lawyers -all of who will guide you and support you while you work to create a solution that works best for you and your whole family. When it gets difficult, the professionals you have chosen will roll up their sleeves and use their collective wisdom and knowledge and skills to work through, step by step, even the seemingly most insurmountable problems without the threat of ending up in Court just because things have gotten difficult or harder than anticipated.
You could choose a traditional adversarial model and hand over the decision to a Judge, this may involve multiple court applications to get financial disclosure, interim child and/or spousal support and or parenting time. This may well cost thousands of dollars and take an emotional and financial toll on you and then statistically end up settling without ever having a trail. The traditional litigation model generally is not set up as the best place to work out the details of your separation. You may end up writing affidavits and preparing or defending applications as the Court system is set up to have a winner and a loser. When someone attacks you on paper- you have little or no choice but to fight back with just as much, if not more fire.
The collaborative divorce model is not designed that way. Usually, there is agreement very quickly with respect to interim finances, living arrangements and parenting time as we deal with these matters with respect and with the children’s needs first and foremost. When there is a difference of opinion or ideas, we explore those and consult with child specialist or financial specialist if needed.
We deal with all the issues – nothing is too big or too small. We work together to get a full financial picture -whether you own a house, or you rent, a boat, a car, a business, a vacation home, a pension or you have debt and are not even sure where to start let alone figuring out what you have or don’t have. We help you break it all down into manageable pieces so it’s not overwhelming and you have the time and space and information to make informed good decisions that you can look back on feeling that was the best decision as you participated fully in it.
If you not ready to participate yet, then this collaborative model puts you in touch with professionals who help you get ready, on your own time, gently and compassionately while helping you get the strength to patriciate with integrity, respect and hope. Maybe your spouse is not to accept your decision- again this model gives them access to the supports and resources they need. This model is customized for each family to accommodate each family’s individual needs and wishes.
The Collaborative divorce model helps you create or re-create better communication between you and you as separated co-parents-with a goal to having stronger, clearer, honest and open dialogue without the fear of winning or losing. Having you both involved in your children’s lives in a positive manner has been shown as one of the best outcomes you can have for your children. While right now, in the raw early stages of your separation, this may not seem remotely possible- I have seen that it is -time and time again.
This collaborative divorce model works with you every step of the way to keep control over the outcome and not give away that choice and that power to anyone else. It is so important to have you keep that control and decision-making, with support, as you know your children and your family inside and out and you truly know what is best for them- not some stranger in a court room who has very little time to make a fully informed, in depth decision about your family.
I have only ever received positive feedback and gratitude from clients who have chosen the collaborative process when they have looked back at how their separation was handled in this manner. I have and always will lay out all the possible ways to divorce or separate-from mediation to litigation and everything in between so that each person gets the full information about each process-good and bad and limitations and possibilities of all options as that is the only way to make a full informed decision in a time where directness and clarity is so vital.
I welcome any questions you may have and would be happy to sit with you and explore your options now that you have made the decision or are in the process of making it and just want to know what you can expect next. Feel free to contact me or another type of professional on the Collaborative Divorce Vancouver team
Understanding the Collaborative Process to Divorce
By: Renée le Nobel, CPA, CA, Creating Financial Clarity for Individuals and Families
Divorce dramatically shifted the path of my life in a way that I could not fathom as I entered and experienced the divorce process. I credit the Collaborative Approach to divorce as the beginning of the path that I am now on to live life with hope.
I realise that sometimes we need sticking points in life to force us out of the complacency we have settled into to find the path that is right for each of us. My divorce exposed me to the new ideas and tools that I needed to do this.
I am grateful because my ex-spouse and I were spared the traditional court route to divorce when we entered the collaborative process to create the separation and parenting agreements we needed to finalise our divorce. That said, by the time we decided to initiate the divorce process neither of us trusted each other and I don’t think I am going too far when I say that we each despised each other. I wasn’t in a good frame of mind to understand how the Collaborative Approach to divorce would help us. I was very emotional and the entire concept around collaborative – where a better outcome is constructed for both parties to the conflict – just didn’t seem possible.
In fact, I didn’t really understand the collaborative process until two years post separation and one year after we had finalised our separation agreement.
Two years later (has it really been two years?), I am finally at a place where I can see that a better outcome is possible. My life and the lives of my children have more potential than I would ever have imagined when both of us were compromising in a marriage that was not working for any of us.
I am adopting a collaborative approach for all areas of my life as after having first-hand experience of how effective it can be in one of the most conflict laden areas of life – divorce. I now understand how the collaborative process is supposed to work and I want to share my understanding to help add clarity to those who may be just starting out on the divorce process as often, during the initial stage of divorce the fog of emotion is thick and clouds understanding.
The Beginning
When you decide you would like to take the collaborative approach to divorce it is important that the person you are entering the process with is on the same page. So, the first step is to have a discussion with the person you are in conflict with. Decide together that you want to work together to come up with a Collaborative solution.
Pre-collaboration, my ex and I both had good ideas about what the solution to our problems should be and we thought negotiating those ideas with a mediator was collaborative. This wasn’t collaborative. This was taking a position-based approach and this is how most of us have been trained in life to deal with conflict. We start with our own positions on what we want and then we use various forms of manipulation and argument to get to a point where we meet in the middle. This is called a compromise and I remember one of my professors at university stating that this was actually a lose-lose situation.
At the beginning of my divorce process, I was told by various people (including many professional mediators, lawyers and counsellors): “A good agreement is one that has the both of you coming away from it feeling like you can live with it but still feeling slightly shortchanged.” I can tell you that is how my ex and I did initially come away from our agreement. We both felt like we got a raw deal. This did not set us up for success going forward as co-parents.
I now understand that we had reached an agreement with the Collaborative Process but neither of us understood what that meant because we did not have a discussion at the beginning about what we wanted to achieve. What we wanted to achieve was a better outcome than the one we would get from a compromising or position-based approach. It has taken a further year of fighting and conflict for us to go back to the beginning and start again by truly using collaboration this time around.
A good place to start is with understanding that the collaborative approach to divorce is not the traditional understanding of the divorce process that pervades our society. The collaborative approach is an approach that does not focus on the outcome but on the underlying values and needs of each party. This leads to building an outcome that you and your ex probably never thought of but one that will leave you both feeling like you have control and hope in your life.
Considering Collaborative divorce? Want to find out more information to see if it is the best choice for you and your partner? Contact one of the professionals on the Collaborative Divorce Vancouver team today!